The 7 Deadly Sins Writing Contest–Envy

If only..

My mother always told me I was beautiful, strong, intelligent. That I could be whatever I wanted to be. That “whatever”, I’m sure, was better than this. I am what she was and I hate it with all my guts! I know I’m beautiful and sensual. I can see that in the way they look at me. Those men. I can feel it when they touch me.

Not a single day has passed when I haven’t wanted to be one of them. To be powerful, to be commanding, to do whatever I want to do without being judged. Because let’s face it: I’m never going to live a normal life. No husband, no children, no nice house, no dog, at least not in this country. I’ll always be an outcast. My children will never get to be what they want to be. Just like me. And those men? They have families, they’re rich or at least have “respectable” jobs and they still stay respectable after coming here to me! Ironical, isn’t it?

Every night when I go to sleep, I wish I wake up as a man. Get up, kiss my wife, have breakfast, go to work, come back, watch TV and that’s it. No makeup, no dress-up, no pleasing those God-damn men. Because I would be one of them. I would be free. Free to do what I want.  Even if I was a son of my mother, I wouldn’t have had to become like her. I could have done anything I wanted. Just as she wanted me to.

I wouldn’t have to worry about what to tell my children who their father was, not worry about how to walk my kids to school, wouldn’t have to worry about being old and ugly, wouldn’t have to worry about who will love me when I grow old, wouldn’t have to worry if I was with child. Just like my mother.

And here I am, on the brink of becoming a mother myself. A mother of a child that is free from my world. And he would be! But what if it is not him. What if I give birth to another me? I would not to do that to my little girl. I think she is beautiful already and I don’t have any right to deny her a normal existence. And so I have decided. I’m going to bring an end to the way I live in the only way I know how to. The only thing you can truly control about life is your own death at your own hands. I love you, my child. I wouldn’t do this to you. Only if I was a man.

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This post is for the 7 Deadly Sins Writing Contest held by  k8edid. The sin this time was “Envy”.

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